W: ok well in general i'd probably not default to it W: not to get TOO crude but there's a certain level of physical vulnerability that comes with y'know the process W: with azul it's actually really good W: and not JUST because he's got 8 extra arms but that helps
uniTEA: SEE that's the THING uniTEA: the vulnerability i mean. not the arms. uniTEA: bc there's part of me that's like uniTEA: "wow being doted on sure sounds nice" uniTEA: and the rest of me like like, "fuck no that sounds hideously stressful"
uniTEA: technically yea uniTEA: pentium uniTEA: bc he's real heavy and my strength's nerfed uniTEA: but when i think about it it's like uniTEA: what do you call them. venn diagrams?? the circle things uniTEA: the only person currently in this city who my brain recognises as sitting solidly in the "theoretically could be threat but likelihood of threat actualising in any situation is a big fat 0" circle is you uniTEA: and then i look at, say, rye, and it's like. "limited physical threat bc he's a squishy toothpick but brain still says WHAT IF THO" uniTEA: and that's absolutely USELESS to my sex life, you know? uniTEA: also feels vaguely insulting to rye/any of my boyfriends??
W: true W: i suppose the ability to suplex someone and the ability to trust them with vulnerable moments doesn't overlap THAT much W: it's kind of dumb but i kind of like that i don't have to think with azul i just go like take me i'm yours W: but i definitely couldn't do that with just anyone either W: i mean admittedly we also have a safe word just IN CASE
uniTEA: nah it's not dumb at all uniTEA: it's really really cool that you've found someone who can be that for you uniTEA: was it like uniTEA: did it just kinda click or is it something you've had to work towards together
W: well at first i was really cautious with him bc i'm older and he's like W: C's age W: so i was like i don't wanna pressure him into things!!! i'll let him choose the pace!!!
W: and then the pace was pretty extreme W: but by then we'd already built up a bunch of trust outside the bedroom
uniTEA: lol i forget that he's younger than you uniTEA: but then uniTEA: im at least a coupla hundred years older than any of my friends here so age is like ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ uniTEA: but thats a tangent
uniTEA: i would like a magical stress brain switch-off button wahhhhhh
uniTEA: i can see thst being a struggle for me too if i ever manage to get that far
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uniTEA: whenever i try to words this outloud (or yknow type it) it sounds so dumb and dramatic ugh. emotional vulnerability is also gross!! uniTEA: but uniTEA: it really is just the thought of not being in immediate physical and mental control over myself and whatever's going on around me ig? which is funny bc i'm obviously not the most self-controlled seeming person in the world, right? uniTEA: it's like a souped up vers of my usual "i hate being picked up and may bite your hand off if you try" and "if you startle me i might accidentally kill you" nonsense
W: no i get it!! W: like it DOES require some giving up of control for SURE W: and honestly i think ppl like me and you kinda need a level of control so we can play casual W: like i get BITCHY when i get put on my back foot
W: i guess the thing that makes it easier with azul is i just really like how much fun he has with it?
uniTEA: clasps ur hand lol uniTEA: the handclasp of salty salty hiss hiss tea-w solidarity
uniTEA: hmm that makes sense uniTEA: like it's a treat for the both of you?
uniTEA: speaking of playing it casual tho i wonder if uniTEA: like uniTEA: part of me shying away from approaching this has been a sinking suspicion that if they take it too seriously and earnestly i will PERISH from embarrassment. like obviously they have to take my very legit feelings seriously or else ill punch them in the teeth and then ask you if you want a turn lol. but if they made a big deal of it or tried to baby me?? ugh. no.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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uniTEA: both please
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W: not to get TOO crude but there's a certain level of physical vulnerability that comes with y'know the process
W: with azul it's actually really good
W: and not JUST because he's got 8 extra arms but that helps
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uniTEA: the vulnerability i mean. not the arms.
uniTEA: bc there's part of me that's like
uniTEA: "wow being doted on sure sounds nice"
uniTEA: and the rest of me like like, "fuck no that sounds hideously stressful"
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uniTEA: pentium
uniTEA: bc he's real heavy and my strength's nerfed
uniTEA: but when i think about it it's like
uniTEA: what do you call them. venn diagrams?? the circle things
uniTEA: the only person currently in this city who my brain recognises as sitting solidly in the "theoretically could be threat but likelihood of threat actualising in any situation is a big fat 0" circle is you
uniTEA: and then i look at, say, rye, and it's like. "limited physical threat bc he's a squishy toothpick but brain still says WHAT IF THO"
uniTEA: and that's absolutely USELESS to my sex life, you know?
uniTEA: also feels vaguely insulting to rye/any of my boyfriends??
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W: i suppose the ability to suplex someone and the ability to trust them with vulnerable moments doesn't overlap THAT much
W: it's kind of dumb but i kind of like that i don't have to think with azul i just go like take me i'm yours
W: but i definitely couldn't do that with just anyone either
W: i mean admittedly we also have a safe word just IN CASE
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uniTEA: it's really really cool that you've found someone who can be that for you
uniTEA: was it like
uniTEA: did it just kinda click or is it something you've had to work towards together
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W: C's age
W: so i was like i don't wanna pressure him into things!!! i'll let him choose the pace!!!
W: and then the pace was pretty extreme
W: but by then we'd already built up a bunch of trust outside the bedroom
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uniTEA: but then
uniTEA: im at least a coupla hundred years older than any of my friends here so age is like ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
uniTEA: but thats a tangent
uniTEA: i would like a magical stress brain switch-off button wahhhhhh
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W: anyway what part is hardest. i know i have trouble with like 'but i should be doing something FOR YOU right'
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[ TYPING ... ... ... ]
uniTEA: whenever i try to words this outloud (or yknow type it) it sounds so dumb and dramatic ugh. emotional vulnerability is also gross!!
uniTEA: but
uniTEA: it really is just the thought of not being in immediate physical and mental control over myself and whatever's going on around me ig? which is funny bc i'm obviously not the most self-controlled seeming person in the world, right?
uniTEA: it's like a souped up vers of my usual "i hate being picked up and may bite your hand off if you try" and "if you startle me i might accidentally kill you" nonsense
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W: like it DOES require some giving up of control for SURE
W: and honestly i think ppl like me and you kinda need a level of control so we can play casual
W: like i get BITCHY when i get put on my back foot
W: i guess the thing that makes it easier with azul is i just really like how much fun he has with it?
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uniTEA: the handclasp of salty salty hiss hiss tea-w solidarity
uniTEA: hmm that makes sense
uniTEA: like it's a treat for the both of you?
uniTEA: speaking of playing it casual tho i wonder if
uniTEA: like
uniTEA: part of me shying away from approaching this has been a sinking suspicion that if they take it too seriously and earnestly i will PERISH from embarrassment. like obviously they have to take my very legit feelings seriously or else ill punch them in the teeth and then ask you if you want a turn lol. but if they made a big deal of it or tried to baby me?? ugh. no.
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W: the overcompensating
W: i guess you could just tell them not to be weird
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uniTEA: i do worry a bit tho that people might take THAT weird
uniTEA: or at least be awkward about it
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W: then if you don't like it it's not out of left field to tell them so
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uniTEA: id at least have to warn them that i might react badly. them pesky reflexes and all
uniTEA: do you ever have that problem?
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uniTEA: that's a text representation of the noise i just made
uniTEA: bless you guys
uniTEA: also thanks w, this has really helped.
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W: i know it's like a weird situation to navigate but i think keeping it light can help
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uniTEA: hopefully anyway
uniTEA: i'll probly end up kicking down your metaphorical door about it again tho
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